Stand-up comedian Rudy Mezzy analysed his friends’ status updates, especially the downright stupid ones, and put them into several categories of “status updates that nobody cares about”. Here are the first five categories:

1) Quote that clearly does not apply to your life
Example: Rudy Mezzy “Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.”-John Lennon. So true.

Chances are you either saw this quote on someone else’s profile or status or rummaged through quote websites to find it. Either way, we don’t give a shit. We don’t care if your are single, in a relationship, or whatever. If you think you can compare your life to someone like John Lennon, the only thing I want to know about you is how you feel about being hidden from my news feed. Actually, no…I don’t even care about that.

2) Statuses with incorrect grammar
Example: Rudy Mezzy is oh my god Bill Belichick your such an idiot. Why would you go for it when theyre team had Peyton Manning?

Wow, ok first of all before you call someone an idiot, make sure you can correctly identify them as a contraction instead of a possessive. Attend Elementary School before changing your status.

3) Your day
Example: Rudy Mezzy is shower, shave, class, lunch, class, practice, dinner, homework, dancing with the stars, bed.

If you honestly think that someone sees your status, prints it out, and runs a step by step checklist of your day…you should cancel your account. No one needs to know your 24-hour schedule. You would receive the same amount of attention as you would if you didn’t update your status at all. Just add drive of cliff between “dinner” and “dancing with the stars”, then people might care.

4) Countdowns
Example: Rudy Mezzy 11 days!!

Why would you make this known to all your friends without making it known to all your friends? What do you have a fucking secret? You getting gender reassignment? If you’re gonna make us read your status at least tell us what you’re counting down to. This saves commenters time so they don’t have to write “til’ what?” or “what happens in 11 days?” or “cute profile pic”.

5) Song lyrics
Example: Rudy Mezzy If you open up your mind. See what’s inside. It’s gonna take some time, to realize. But if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find. Over your shoulder you know that, I told you. I’ll always be pickin’ you up when you’re down. So just turn around.

Chances are that if you pick a song lyric with more than 8 words, no one will read it. Also, if you pick a song lyric that someone can’t identify within the first 5 words….no one will read it either. The best song lyrics to choose are short rap lyrics. Also, just like in #6, these lyrics probably don’t describe your life as much as you think they do. If you quote Poker Face, make sure you know what it’s about before deciding to apply it to your online poker tournaments.

» 5 more Facebook statuses that nobody cares about at CollegeHumor.

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