Charlie Sheen’s Winning Facebook Status Updates

Charlie Sheen is like a molotov cocktail of Gary Busey and Chuck Norris these days. In recent interviews regarding his fallout with CBS, the 45-year-old Two And A Half Men actor gone wild is spitting out more epic, crazy quotes than Sarah Palin on speed. So we turned our favorite Charlie Sheen quotes into Facebook status updates.

thinks it’s funny how “sheep” rhymes with “sleep”.

is a peaceful man with bad intentions.

is entertained as hell.

is on a drug. It’s called “Charlie Sheen”

is on a drug. It’s called “[insert your own name]”! It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?

will melt your face and explode your body.

doesn’t sleep. I wait.

has parts that are Dennis Hopper.

has been the aw-shucks guy/girl with this bitchin’ rockstar life, so now I’m going to completely embrace it. I’m going to wrap both arms around it and love it violently, and defend it violently, through violent hatred.

is a vatican assassin. Sorry. I’m a high priest vatican assassin warlock.

is not a marriage person, but maybe the three of us will get married. Oh, now it’s a polygamy story.

is the best at what I do. They’re the best at what they do. It’s on!

is not broke but kind of counting on some of that money to get me through the summer. Now I’ve got to like work. But that’s alright. Work’s good. Work fuels the soul.

is here to collect, and they’re going to lose!

‘s brain fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm.

has got tiger blood and Adonis DNA. Get with the program dude.

has tiger blood.

has spent I think close to a decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold.

wasn’t taught how to deal with success; if at first you succeed, then what?

has got volumes on how NOT to behave.

is an F-18, bro!

has got magic and poetry in my fingertips, you know, most of the time ─and this includes naps─ I’m a F-18, bro!

will love you violently!

works for the pope.

is not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.

wonders: “Why give an interview when you can leave a warning?”

cured his/her disease with his/her brain.

has one speed, one gear: GO!

is the new sheriff in town. And I have an army of assassins.

is dealing with fools and trolls.

has a grandiose life. Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours, I planned it this way.

is not bipolar. I’m bi-winning. I win here, I win there.

is still alive, which is pretty cool.

is tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.

thinks people are mystified by this odyssey that refuses to quit calling itself [insert your name].

is living the Sheen dream

has Sheen it all.

is battle-tested bayonets, bro!

has sheen the future and it’s just WINNING.

Feel free to add more Charlie Sheen Facebook statuses in the comments. Oh, and a few of these quotes are available on t-shirts too.

UPDATE: We absolutely love this Charlie Sheen rap remix of Eminem’s “My Name Is”. It’s called “My Name Is Winning”, duh!