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Status Saturday: Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear Statuses




We’re not obsessed with muscle cars like Jeremy Clarkson, but we do appreciate his adoration for four wheelers and his metaphors in particular. That’s why this week’s Status Saturday ─we know it’s Sunday already, but we were busy wiring a plug while juggling penguins─ is dedicated to some of Clarkson’s best one-liners as heard on the much praised number one BBC television series about motor vehicles, Top Gear. If you’re not that into cars, you can still tweak some of these comparisons and replace it with the objects of your affection.

Car specific status updates:

…is sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen.

…thinks the Aston Martin DB9 is not really a racing car, it’s just pornography.

…rang up Jay Kay, who’s got an Enzo Ferrari, and said: “Can we borrow yours?” and he said, “Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.”

…likes to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

…rather goes to work on hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy. Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation.

…would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

Funny general Jeremy Clarkson one-liners:

…couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.

…knows that speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you!

…has seen gangrenous wounds better looking than this!

…sounds like Barry White eating wasps

…doesn’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?

…is wiring a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love to a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen.

…knows that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

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Side notes

Status Saturday: Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear Statuses Posted by on April 18, 2010 at 4:51 PM. Use this trackback if you're linking this story.

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